Pussies, Dicks, Money, Las Vegas...Former Lesbians?

I’m utterly confused… someone PUHLEASE explain this to me!

I received a text message yesterday from my friend, Tina. She’s now engaged. Normally, I would be incredibly happy and giddy about the whole thing, especially since I have been invited to help in the wedding planning and to be part of the wedding party… but I’m SO not!

See, as of mid June of this year, Tina was married. Even though her *marriage* was more of a symbolic commitment than a legal one, it was nonetheless a four-year-long union, blessed by a celebrant (no religious affiliation), and addressed by all as a marriage.

Tina was dumped in late June by her partner, Tara

Now, I wouldn’t have cared if Tina had proceeded to become the most notorious lesbian in all of Montrose. In fact, I would have egged her on and probably attended a few parties or festivals with her… after all, she is my friend, and she had been tied down for quite some time, so that kind of release would have been, if not expected, completely acceptable. But, she never did. In fact, it’s safe to say that my lesbian friend turned heterosexual.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Where was I when lesbians and homos started jumping fences and joining the other team? I mean, how do you wake up one day and decide: “You know, today, I feel like having eggs for breakfast instead of cereal…and sucking some dick instead of going muff diving.” WTF??? How do you do that? I’m so confused…

To make matters worse, Tina has become a completely different person, and unfortunately, not for the better. She has gone from fun and interesting to gold digger maximus in less time than it takes to utter ‘Louis Vuitton’… and I wonder if all this is the result of something that has been lurking deep within her: her constant yearning for a baby and her illusion that money is the highway to happiness.

Tina met a man online in mid July. Josh was, supposedly, a financier… and that’s all I know about him because that’s all she ever talked about: “Josh has so much money. Josh is so successful. Josh is so rich. I’m going to marry Josh… blah, blah, blah.” And I quote the blah, blah, blah because this is all I heard two minutes into our conversation, so it might as well have been what was coming out of her mouth. After Josh wised up and dumped her, she went online in late July and picked up Dwenn. Then there were the perpetual games with her ex of who is doing better than who, and the endless phone calls to me relating every minute detail of her over-analyzed dramas of Josh vs. Dwenn. She finally went with Dwenn.

After much deliberation, Ares and I finally agreed to meet them for dinner. Here was this balding, twitchy, 36-year-old man, running on plutonium, and clinging onto Tina as if she was about to run away. Dinner was painful… really painful…when is it ever appetizing to watch a balding man suck on some girl's face over a platter of mussels? I really don’t recall much, since I spent most of my time fantasizing about what would be more effective in getting me out of this situation: offing myself by hanging myself from the table, or drowning myself in the toilet, or stabbing myself with the butter knife, or running into the glass door. I really don’t know whose brilliant idea it was to go get coffee after dinner, but I pulled Ares aside and threatened divorce if he didn’t get us out of there quickly!

They want to get together again… and I’m running out of excuses. The last two times she was here, Ares noted that she had only five topics of conversation, all about her, of course:

1. Retirement: “Dwenn has so much money. He has put away so much money for retirement, WE are set for life.”

2. House: “I cannot wait to move into OUR house (never mind that it’s his house). Did you know it has 5 bedrooms, oak floors, granite countertops, a swimming pool, blah, blah, blah….”

3. Car: “I’m going to get a BMW 325i. But, Ares, my 325 is so much better than your car. I cannot wait to get my BMW! Lyllia, why don’t you buy my piece of crap Saturn so that I can get my BMW?”

4. Engagement Ring: “Dwenn has TWO two carat diamonds in a bank deposit safe just for me. They are blah, blah, blah… and appraised at $11,000 four years ago!”

5. Children: “I cannot wait to have a baby. I want a baby. I cannot wait. We’re trying. Blah, blah, blah…”

Yet, not once have I EVER heard her say: “Dwenn, he’s such an angel, or he’s so loving and caring, or he makes me feel incredible, or I love him so much, or he’s wonderful, or I can’t live without him, or I cannot imagine my life without him, etc, etc, etc. We’ve come to the conclusion that Tina is just looking for a Sugar Daddy… someone to father her child and yield a comfortable life for her. She’s a leach! Don’t get me wrong… I WANT them to be happy, and I hope to God that they prove us darn wrong! But I just don’t see how you can build anything lasting when the basis for you relationship is something as superficial as money. I’m sure that, if Dwenn didn’t have as much, she wouldn’t have even given him the time of day.

Anyway, I am now expected to go buy a $250 dress, fly to Las Vegas for a bachelorette party, and partake in the wedding planning. Impossible feat considering that I can’t even fathom being around her. I cannot understand her change of heart regarding her sexuality, neither do I agree with her new attitude, nor do I want to be associated with anyone that superficial… yet, I don’t want to break her heart. I know she’s counting on me to be her Matron of Honor and I feel that I owe that to her. Should I just suck it up and do it? Should I tell her the truth? Should I lie? Don't know what to do....