You're Not Fully Clean Unless...

I have no recollection of how the topic came about but, a few days ago, Ares and I were talking about some of the incredibly nasty habits we had to tolerate from some of the people in our past. While the conversation was short due to the revoltingly offensive subject matter, its shock value left such a lingering impression on us both, we nearly scrubbed our skin off in the shower that night.

So, in honor of those left behind in favor of greener- and much, much cleaner- pastures, here’s a list of suggestions to make yourselves more sanitary -and appealing- if only for the benefit of those around you:

1. Scrub your feet when you shower… no, the run-off won’t clean the toe jam you’ve accumulated for 20-something years.
2. Don’t rub the soap on your skin… that just makes the soap dirty.
3. Wash your bras before you wear them again. Don’t air them out, or try to sniff the funk out of them… or even try to convince yourself that the yellow matches your new shirt.
4. Don’t be cheap. It’s too late to see the doctor once your breakouts are oozing volcanic lava… and don’t scrimp on the ply, your ass will appreciate a little lovin’ from time to time.
5. Wash your hair… that ‘glossy sheen’ is not synonymous for healthy.
6. The underside of your National Geographic titties stinks…lift and wash, lift and wash.
7. They’re panty hose. They were in your crotch. Nothing with the word ‘panty’ should ever be taken out of the dirty pile and smelled for ‘re-wearability’… not even if the funk gets you high or horny.
8. Clean yourself before you even suggest the idea of oral sex… or any sex… smoked ham is only good at holiday parties.
9. On that note, trim… no one needs to get lost in that jungle trying to find the 'treasure'… and unless your name is Johnson and Johnson, we’ll be shopping for floss elsewhere.
10. Shower frequently…your ass stinks before and after work.
11. Wash your lounge robe before the streak mark is permanent.
12. Smegma is neither sexy nor cool –even if it’s a fetish and even if it reminds you of fancy cheese.
13. Eating sushi does not constitute you as a cultured person much in the same way that wearing cheap, ugly clothes does not make you fashionable. Read that manual again.
14. Don’t wait to be told that you have snow-flake-sized chunks coming out of your ears and landing on your shoulders to clean the suckers.
15. Wipe your nose… and don’t call the stray ones ‘kamikazes’…it’s not cute at all. Blow until you bleed if you have to.
16. The round yellow stain on your pillow cover wasn’t the cat’s fault, the dog, or the hard Houston water, it was your greasy head.
17. Take a bath after sex… you know you stink, you know you’re sticky.
18. Don’t bother with cologne or perfume if you haven’t showered. That's like spraying freshener in an elevator after you fart. Everyone can still smell the funk... and everyone knows it came from you.
    
19. Sweaty hands are as sexy as a woman’s hairy armpits.
20. Everyone can see your skin is oily… the glazed doughnut sheen blinds us all!