Thursday, September 21, 2006

Pussies, Dicks, Money, Las Vegas...Former Lesbians?

I’m utterly confused… someone PUHLEASE explain this to me!

I received a text message yesterday from my friend, Tina. She’s now engaged. Normally, I would be incredibly happy and giddy about the whole thing, especially since I have been invited to help in the wedding planning and to be part of the wedding party… but I’m SO not!

See, as of mid June of this year, Tina was married. Even though her *marriage* was more of a symbolic commitment than a legal one, it was nonetheless a four-year-long union, blessed by a celebrant (no religious affiliation), and addressed by all as a marriage.

Tina was dumped in late June by her partner, Tara

Now, I wouldn’t have cared if Tina had proceeded to become the most notorious lesbian in all of Montrose. In fact, I would have egged her on and probably attended a few parties or festivals with her… after all, she is my friend, and she had been tied down for quite some time, so that kind of release would have been, if not expected, completely acceptable. But, she never did. In fact, it’s safe to say that my lesbian friend turned heterosexual.

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Where was I when lesbians and homos started jumping fences and joining the other team? I mean, how do you wake up one day and decide: “You know, today, I feel like having eggs for breakfast instead of cereal…and sucking some dick instead of going muff diving.” WTF??? How do you do that? I’m so confused…

To make matters worse, Tina has become a completely different person, and unfortunately, not for the better. She has gone from fun and interesting to gold digger maximus in less time than it takes to utter ‘Louis Vuitton’… and I wonder if all this is the result of something that has been lurking deep within her: her constant yearning for a baby and her illusion that money is the highway to happiness.

Tina met a man online in mid July. Josh was, supposedly, a financier… and that’s all I know about him because that’s all she ever talked about: “Josh has so much money. Josh is so successful. Josh is so rich. I’m going to marry Josh… blah, blah, blah.” And I quote the blah, blah, blah because this is all I heard two minutes into our conversation, so it might as well have been what was coming out of her mouth. After Josh wised up and dumped her, she went online in late July and picked up Dwenn. Then there were the perpetual games with her ex of who is doing better than who, and the endless phone calls to me relating every minute detail of her over-analyzed dramas of Josh vs. Dwenn. She finally went with Dwenn.

After much deliberation, Ares and I finally agreed to meet them for dinner. Here was this balding, twitchy, 36-year-old man, running on plutonium, and clinging onto Tina as if she was about to run away. Dinner was painful… really painful…when is it ever appetizing to watch a balding man suck on some girl's face over a platter of mussels? I really don’t recall much, since I spent most of my time fantasizing about what would be more effective in getting me out of this situation: offing myself by hanging myself from the table, or drowning myself in the toilet, or stabbing myself with the butter knife, or running into the glass door. I really don’t know whose brilliant idea it was to go get coffee after dinner, but I pulled Ares aside and threatened divorce if he didn’t get us out of there quickly!

They want to get together again… and I’m running out of excuses. The last two times she was here, Ares noted that she had only five topics of conversation, all about her, of course:

1. Retirement: “Dwenn has so much money. He has put away so much money for retirement, WE are set for life.”

2. House: “I cannot wait to move into OUR house (never mind that it’s his house). Did you know it has 5 bedrooms, oak floors, granite countertops, a swimming pool, blah, blah, blah….”

3. Car: “I’m going to get a BMW 325i. But, Ares, my 325 is so much better than your car. I cannot wait to get my BMW! Lyllia, why don’t you buy my piece of crap Saturn so that I can get my BMW?”

4. Engagement Ring: “Dwenn has TWO two carat diamonds in a bank deposit safe just for me. They are blah, blah, blah… and appraised at $11,000 four years ago!”

5. Children: “I cannot wait to have a baby. I want a baby. I cannot wait. We’re trying. Blah, blah, blah…”

Yet, not once have I EVER heard her say: “Dwenn, he’s such an angel, or he’s so loving and caring, or he makes me feel incredible, or I love him so much, or he’s wonderful, or I can’t live without him, or I cannot imagine my life without him, etc, etc, etc. We’ve come to the conclusion that Tina is just looking for a Sugar Daddy… someone to father her child and yield a comfortable life for her. She’s a leach! Don’t get me wrong… I WANT them to be happy, and I hope to God that they prove us darn wrong! But I just don’t see how you can build anything lasting when the basis for you relationship is something as superficial as money. I’m sure that, if Dwenn didn’t have as much, she wouldn’t have even given him the time of day.

Anyway, I am now expected to go buy a $250 dress, fly to Las Vegas for a bachelorette party, and partake in the wedding planning. Impossible feat considering that I can’t even fathom being around her. I cannot understand her change of heart regarding her sexuality, neither do I agree with her new attitude, nor do I want to be associated with anyone that superficial… yet, I don’t want to break her heart. I know she’s counting on me to be her Matron of Honor and I feel that I owe that to her. Should I just suck it up and do it? Should I tell her the truth? Should I lie? Don't know what to do....

7 Comments:

Blogger Zen said...

Repeat with me...UP SHIT CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE!!! ::rolls eyes:: I can't believe you have gotten yourself in such a mess. Tara seems in love with what she will have than whith anything else...Let me tell you girl I was in stitches with this post...STITCHES!!!
“You know, today, I feel like having eggs for breakfast instead of cereal…and sucking some dick instead of going muff diving.” WTF??? How do you do that? I’m so confused… "

You are tooooooo much!!! Un abrazo and keep us posted!

11:09 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Yikes! You really hate to stomp on someone's wedding plans, but ewwww....what is she thinking? Has she thought about what this potential baby will look like?

I am going to guess that she is only looking at the temporary, the here and now, not the future. If you try to explain to her that she is not signing up for a lifetime of happiness, she will not listen to you right now anyways.

Play your role, but you don't have to completely involve yourself. You can just tell her that your little ones demand so much of your time that you cannot possibly help her plan her wedding.

Besides, you could probably use some time-off on a trip to Vegas. Just get her real drunk early in the night and dump her back off at the hotel.

8:46 PM  
Blogger Lyllia said...

Zen- Not just up the creek without a paddle... I am drowning in it, girl...DROWNING! I didn't mention that, when I tried to get myself out of the whole thing with some lame-ass excuse, she asked me to let her know when I would be available so that she could set her wedding date around my schedule. Grrrrr...

Jen- Yeah, I could never sit her down and tell her that she's setting herself up for failure. Unfortunately, she needs to learn that on her own. But, I do love your idea of getting her drunk and dumping her off at the hotel! Hehehehe! Maybe in her drunkeness, she can explain to me just how -out of the blue- she woke up a heterosexual.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Zen said...

You know what?...this is gonna have to be one of those times when you just follow someone's lead to make them happy. When she falls flat on her face, which could happen sooner that later, pick her up and let her suck it up...QUE CARAJO VAMOS A HACER????

5:41 AM  
Blogger Sam said...

Wow...I don't think I'll ever look at eggs or cereal the same again. Besides, she may not like sucking dick anyway. :P

Advice? I'm going along with the other two. Help, but avoid getting too heavily involved, and when she falls, just be there like the friend you are, and see if she comes to her senses....not to mention I hope you share with us how she went from lesbian to hetero so suddenly. :D

Sam

8:01 AM  
Blogger Zelda said...

You know, I don't think homosexuality is as clear-cut as anyone thinks. If we step back and realze what we've seen, it's been everything from committed homos to quadrisexuals. I've seen straight people test the waters and go back. Sometimes it's about sex, sometimes it's about security, sometimes it's about love. But it's never black and white.

7:29 PM  
Blogger Lyllia said...

Zelda - I have to disagree. I think most of my homosexual friends have been very 'loyal to the cause'. Some of them were involved in heterosexual relationships early on, but got tired of "living a lie" and pursued an alternative lifestyle. Most of the men can't stand the thought of being with a woman. But, I do have to say that the lesbians seem to be a bit more open to threesomes and foursomes involving men. Just never heard any of them really pursuing a relationship with a man until now.

I think Tina's just desperate for a child. The fact that her and Tara had been visiting sperm banks just a few months before they broke up -and had been concerned about being able to foot the bill- tells me that she's just got baby in the brain, nothing else. Now she has found the perfect way to get that without having to fork over the thousands of dollars it would have cost her otherwise.

Denny- Welcome! Thanks for stopping by... Did you mention that you used to live Philadelphia before? I used to live there (Temple U grad) before I moved to TX. Love it here! :)

I think I am going to take your advice and just come clean. Honesty is the best policy, always... plus it will save me the many futile attempts to be a hypocrit.

1:16 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home